Showing posts with label pre-korea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pre-korea. Show all posts

Monday, March 28, 2011

Teach ESL Korea

I just wanted to make a little post about how I actually managed to end up in Korea.

There are a few ways to apply for EPIK (English Program in Korea)/ SMOE (Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education):
  • Directly to EPIK/SMOE
  • Through an EPIK coordinator
  • Through a university
  • Through a recruiter
I went via a recruiter because the application process is long and very very technical, and I wanted to have someone to answer my questions/guide me through the process. There are many credible recruiters out there, and a lot of scammers. A way you can tell if you are being scammed, is if the recruiter is asking you for payment. EPIK/SMOE pays the recruiters for its applicants so you shouldn't have to pay them anything. That being said, you will need to pay for other associated costs, such as photocopies, VISA, passport if you need it, school transcripts and the like.

I went with TeachESLKorea since I had heard good things about them from current EPIK/SMOE teachers in Korea. Their website was well put together, informative, and user friendly. They seemed to know what they were talking about and had placed teachers not only in Seoul but also in Korea, so I thought they were a reliable recruiter. The fact that I am now teaching in Korea is a testament to their credibility.

TeachESLKorea is run by Dan & Aggie and they are extremely professional, proficient, and friendly. Any questions I had were answered in a timely manner, and they always kept me in the loop (especially during the dreaded waiting process which was basically weeks of not knowing anything while EPIK/SMOE looked over all applications). Aggie handled my case specifically, and she went above and beyond to make sure I was being taken care of during each of the many steps of applying with EPIK/SMOE. She would even send follow up emails to check on how I was...even after I landed in Korea.

I can't say enough good things about Dan, Aggie & TeachESLKorea. If you are thinking about teaching in Korea and are debating how to apply, I would highly recommend going through a recruiter, and TeachESLKorea at that :)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Stay classy, San Diego

1:34am.

I'm currently drinking tea out of my favorite mug, which I can't bring with me, in my own bed, in the area I grew up in, in the city I call home.

My room looks so clean. But I imagine that its because it's rather empty. I have packed away my life in 2 suitcases and a carry on. For some reason, it took me longer than I anticipated to get everything packed away, considering how much practice I've had over the last few months.

Oh, but how amazing are space bags? honestly, I dont know how I survived without them.

I'll admit this here and now: I am scared shitless.

All in all, I'm trying hard not to freak out. Yesterday was my big "going away" thing which sort of went by in a blur, and sometimes comes back to me in embarrassing facepalm moments. But the thing that I remember the most, when I was with the people who are so dear to me, was: how did I get so lucky? I was humbled and felt undeserving, and yet so so very grateful.

As always, I went to the beach today to say goodbye. I like to go because it gives me a memory--its the way I like to remember san diego. sand, sun, sea. And that feeling you get, when you stand on its shore and come face to face with something to amazingly awesome and mighty. You feel so small, and that can be a comfort in itself. That whatever plagues you, whatever weighs you down and constricts your chest, is not so great a thing when something like an ocean is before you. It's a reminder that nothing is as bad as it seems...and it too will pass.

Plus, the view of the sun setting over the pacific is not one I'll likely see sometime soon.

and being at the beach in the middle of winter, while it looks like this feels so distinctively southern californian/san diegan. especially now that I have to trade this in for snow/cold/9th circle of hell.





I know that all this anxiety I'm feeling is normal and that I just need to GET on the plane already so that it can go away. I hate long, drawn out things...which is exactly that this is. I'd prefer to have everything done in one fell swoop--I rip bandaids off instead of peeling them off. But for now, I have to deal with this sickening feeling in my chest for another few hours until I pass the security gate at the airport.

Until we meet again, stay classy san diego.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

a note on language

Isn't it strange how here in america, we expect everyone to speak english. and when americans visit other countries, we continue to force everybody to speak english. I suppose that is the preogative of being a superpower/having english be the new international language of choice (sorry frenchies), but it is rather... gauche (see what I did there? lol).

In the states, people get so butthurt about how things are in english AND spanish, saying that "this is america! you should learn english!" & we expect foreigners to learn the language in order to communicate. we are, consistently, unwelcoming when we stumble across someone who can't communicate with us in the language of our choosing.

and when americans go abroad they still get butthurt when no one can understand them because they can't speak french or spanish or korean or whatever. they continue to force english on everybody, instead of learning the language of the that country.

we continue to be hypocrites.

I know when I go to korea, if I myself am not forcing english on everyone I meet, I'll be ever so grateful to the person or people who are patient with me as I stumble across my language problems. I'll be thankful for the english signs everywhere. I will feel an affinity to those who pity my struggles and speak to me in english.

I have been...

eating as much mexican and filipino food as I can.

driving around playing bad american pop radio

avoiding packing

beginning to understand the value of a kindle. (my poor books)

---

I thought packing was going to go sooo much smoother for me this time around, considering its the 3rd time in 7 months that I've had to fit my whole life into two suitcases. I went by the rule that if I didn't wear it while I was in philadelphia, I wouldn't bring it with me this time around. I was a pretty solid rule, until I realized that I had also bought a bunch of new things to deal with this infamous winter season I keep hearing so much about. Also, I had the luxury of shipping out to myself a box of some of my heavier things, i.e. coats, and well as my numerous things, i.e. shoes, but I don't think I'll do that this time around. This means I'm only taking 5 pairs of shoes. I'm really proud of myself for that.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

achey breaky heart

I've been suffering from chest pains recently. they are of two varieties: the first is violent and jolting, but over in a breath of a moment; the second is a bit more subtle, only gradually building up in intensity, but of a longer duration. But both leave me so completely startled and acutely aware of my existence.

And then sheer panic settles into my bones, disturbing my piece of mind and making me wonder just what I'm doing/am I crazy.

I'm not sure if I'll have another time to blog in relative comfort until the big move in, gasp 3 days, I figure I better do this all now.

There are a lot of things I'm afraid of when going to korea. I'm afraid I'll hate it, that it was never what I thought it was...that it couldn't be everything that I imagined. However, I'm afraid I'll absolutely love it. Because if I love it, that means I'll want to stay, and then I'm in a horrible position of being apart from all the people who are most dear to me in the world, doing a job that isn't exactly what I want to do. I don't mind teaching... but teaching english, indefinitely, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't know what korea, which Seoul I want to meet the most, and which I want to avoid.

Also, I have a glorious set of friends here. I've been very blessed with amazing people that I love and who like me well enough to tolerate my whims and inconsistencies. I hate that I'm choosing to miss out on parts of their lives, because I want to be there too. I don't fear that we'll lose contact, or that we won't be as close...because no matter what, we accept one another wholeheartedly. Its not hard to be friends with them, its not difficult to pick up like no time has passed between us at all.

suddenly, the thing I've been waiting for months for is actually happening...and I feel so unprepared.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

so a few things

I've decided that from here on out, this blog will be mostly Seoul/Korea/teaching content based. When everything is all said and done, I want this blog to be a testament to my experience of one year in the land of the morning calm.

I made a new tumblr for use as my personal blog. peep it here: follow me!

a friend of mine, Nelly, recently sent me this list of "10 things I need to know to survive at a korean public school." The list basically goes like this (but to fully understand what I'm about to write out, just click the link and read the explanations):
  1. [Korean Co-Teachers] didn't know either
  2. Sick Days are imaginary
  3. Co-teachers have 6 jobs
  4. Korean teachers don't eat their homemade lunches in the cafeteria
  5. yes, they really did schedule this last minute
  6. exams trump all else. including your class.
  7. It's model airplane flying day!
  8. your co-teacher is always late to class
  9. "common sense" means something else in korea
  10. "should" means "have to"
now, if this list is all I need to know to survive teaching, I feel like I should be relatively fine. Why? Because I have just enough asian in me, you know, and just enough Eastern ways of thought and practice, that I can associate with how it all works. I am disgustingly willing to please and throw myself into my work to the point where I can, and often do, become a slave to it. I work hard, I take on too much, I begin to define myself by the work that I do. And since I'm like this, I can imagine how actual korean teachers are. So it doesn't bother me in the slightest that things at school suddenly pop up & my schedule must be rearranged. I'd never get upset with a co-worker over something like that. Also, the whole "should"/"have to"... I have my parents. I know this all too well.

And I wouldn't want to eat my boan in a public place either. That's just weird.

The only things on that list that I think I would have a problem with are nos. 2 & 8. I was really looking forward to cashing in on those sick days to go on vacay--because it's not like I'd actually use those days for being sick, as I am, just that asian, that I wouldn't allow myself to get sick. Also, I value being on time...because not being prompt means that you don't value you the other person/people to care. You are willingly saying that you are more important than they are, and that your time is more significant than theirs...because they have nothing better to do than to wait for you. People constantly late would drive me crazy...because my time is valuable too.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

It gets old and fast

you wanna know what one of the most frequently asked questions I'm getting these days, after I let people know that I'm moving half way around the world to a country I've never been, which has a language that I've never studied, to do a job that I've never done, and which is completely unrelated to what I've focused roughly 7 years of my higher education upon?

1) how is this going to help you?

oh wait, there's one more, slightly related question that is a close second.

2) what are you going to do when you get back?

I've struggled with these inevitable questions--detailed on Mirth--ever since I dropped out of school, but let's just say that I ended up going to Korea based on a few things: luck, my Peter Pan complex, an obsession, and an extreme reaction against finding myself suddenly and rather violently thrust into this "grown up" world that I had be actively resisting for at least 3 years.

My whole life, I've hated answering to people...or even feeling like I had to answer to them. Besides my parents, my friends, and a few of my teachers, I like to keep a lot of things a secret from the world, which is rather odd, considering how much I do wear my emotions on my sleeve.

So you can imagine how much I loathe telling people who are only marginally attached to me, that I am going to Korea. And I hate telling people who I went to school with. Because I know what they are thinking. They don't understand why I needed to work my ass off in school, get my masters, go to an ivy-league post bacc....all just to teach english in korea.

And if they aren't people I've gone to school with, it's the same thing. They don't understand the benefit of doing something so childish, when what I should be doing is joining the US work force like a good citizen. Why put off my responsibilities just to teach english in korea.

Look. I don't have to explain myself to you. Even if I owed you that, which I don't, I don't have anything to tell you. Nothing to make you feel better about me moving to Korea. I have no words of comfort to reassure you that I have my life all planned out. Nothing to take away your unease about someone doing something so irresponsible. I'm sorry, I just don't.

But don't worry, I won't blame you for my life either, so just relax.

I mean, I'm still in the midst of "pre-korea" as indicated with my post tags, and yet, here you are, asking me about post-korea. While I know that the proper grown up thing to do is to settle down somewhere... and that I ought to be thinking about my future and just what am I going to do with all this education that I've got... but I think we may be overlooking something rather significant here:

In between "pre-korea" and "post-korea" there's just that: Korea.

Let me have this.

Just, let me have this.

And when it's all said and done, I'll answer all the questions you want of me about "post-korea," I promise.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Dress Code/Packing

EPIK just sent me a notice on the dress code for teachers, as well as a sort of list of things I should pack for Korea. I found this to be interesting/hilarious. I've screencapped for convenience:


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Officially Official

well, it's official.

but wait. let's back up some.

this past monday (2 days ago) I FINALLY got my EPIK contract and Notice of Appointment delivered to my very hands. the NOA had a nice shiny gold seal on it, and the contract itself was several pages thick, written in korean with english translations. It was: exciting, surreal, nerve wracking, awesome, scary, and finalized. I read through all the clauses and signed each page. The next thing I had to do was take the contract and NOA to my local consulate (in Los Angeles) to get my E-2 Visa which would not only allow me to stay in Korea for more than 90 days (I get to stay for a whole year!), but also to actually work in Korea as an English teacher.

After all that signing away of my life for the next year had been done, I went about finally booking my flight.

Let me tell you that booking "one-way flights" are painfully more traumatic that round-trip ones. And while that may seem like I'm stating the obvious, but having an intellectual understanding of that concept does not prepare a person for the finality of a one-way flight. I mean, just stop and think about that for a second. You are only going. There is no return flight. There. is. no. return. flight. No backing down, to turning back, no safety net, no coming home, not even the comfort of the idea of home--nothing but you and the raw void that is the unknown, terrifying future. There is no return flight.

Needless to say, I was shaking profusely as I clicked that little blue button that said "confirm," and the second, the second, it was all over and done with, I felt nauseated and burst into tears. Everything, all at once, seem to be crashing down upon me and my shoulders, grown weak in these idle months, were not up to the task of supporting them and me and what I had done.

The next day, I made the two hour drive to Los Angeles to the consulate. It was, however, my mistake to read some accounts of other people's experiences either applying for a visa at the consulate, or accounts of dealing directly with the consul herself, via the dreaded (in my eyes) visa interview. The first, because people had commented on how unfriendly/unhelpful the consulate was (in terms of not being very english-speaking/reading friendly); the second, because I had no idea how I was going to answer the question "why korea/why english in korea?" should I be interviewed by the consul.

I had a whole 2 hours to think about it.

Instead I admired the good weather of Southern California up the 5 freeway with its views of the Pacific, and listened to kpop.

When I arrived at the consulate, I was in near panic. Also, can I just say how much I abhor driving in LA? Freaking left turns, I hate you so much. Anyway, I finally found the little parking lot adjacent to the consulate, which was the only fortunate thing I had picked up online, because it was free parking with validation. I walked into the consulate armed with a slew of papers--you know, just in case--and little else. Immediately when you enter you go through the metal detector things that you go through with airport security and other official-ish buildings, and there was this security guard on duty. After I walked through, I was about to approach what I can only assume was a sort of receptionist desk--there was a lady sitting in an office thing behind a glass wall with one of those little speaking holes in it. The only thing I could see was like, an outline of a lady because there was, oddly, like a screen behind the glass that obstructed the view to the point where it wouldn't surprise me if people never came to that lady. I could, however, see a million signs, posted everywhere, and all in Korean.

JFC, I can distinguish the korean alphabet but that doesn't mean I can read anything.

I was going to make a fool of myself/ask the lady behind the glass and screen for help when the security guard, intercepted my question and helped me find the right window, like the Godsend he was. It was window 2, by the way.

I had read online to expect long lines, but there was like no one in the lobby except for myself. It may have had to do with the fact that the consulate had just reopened, they close for an hour each day between noon and 1pm for lunch. I was still nervous and nervous. I could see the closed off corner of the consulate that had the words "INTERVIEW ROOM," written in english, and like something you'd see out of cartoons, I swear I gulped when I saw it haha. Not to mention the fact that I was all ashamed to have to make the pleasant looking woman behind the glass wall of window 2 speak to me in english.

The woman behind the glass wall of window number 2 (no screen cover) also had one of those speaking hole things in the glass, but that thing was made of such fail. I honestly couldn't hear a word she was saying. The only reason why anything got communicated between us was because I literally threw my application, contract, NOA, and passport at her. And she pointed at a lot of things/nodded at a lot of things for me to do. Sign here, I guess? Attach a picture here, I suppose? Make the check out to the consulate general? okay. Oh, this was the only thing I could decipher from her (who knew my lip reading skills were so polished?): come back tomorrow after 10am. I'd have to wait a day for my visa to be processed. She was helpful and nice enough, and I don't think she judged me (too much) for fumbling through the whole process/not speaking Korean.

The next day, I showed up at 10am, and again there was no one in the lobby, and approached window 2. I didn't even have to say a word, the woman looked up, saw my face, and immediately reached over and slid my passport through the little slot in the glass wall.

And there it was in all its wonderful glory. My VISA stuck in the pages of my rumpled passport. I walked out of the consulate. No interview. No lines. No disagreeable people. It was a wonderfully easy process.

Contract? check.
Visa? check.
Flight? check.

It's official bitches, I'm going to spend the next year of my life in South Korea. Bam.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Pre-Orientation

I recently complete a supposed 15 hour Pre-Orientation course in preparation for Korea. The biggest chunk of it is psychology, methodology, and pedagogy, but there's a few lessons on Korean culture as well.

I have to say, all of it is like a throwback to my psych and rws courses in undergrad. I've realized that I am no longer in a place in my life where I am responsive to the traditional college classroom, where you show up, listen to lecture in a survey class while taking notes, in order to prepare for some exam in the near-distance future. I still take notes like a fiend, but the random busywork of homework and the like bores me to no end. I think I respond better to the ridiculous reading lists and paper writing of grad classes. I don't think I have the patience to deal with the former any longer.

anyway, as I'm worked through the pre-orientation course, the reality of my whole situation started to feel just that much more: in about a month I'll be standing in front of a classroom in a completely different country with kids (?) whose first language is different than mine.

I want the whole experience to be good on both of our parts.

I know that's asking a lot, since not everything in the classroom is always or ever, perfect for either party, but I just hope we can come to an understanding. I'm dreading re-living the experience I had the first time I stood in front of a classroom as an instructor. I'm praying to God that it doesn't happen again. I don't know how I'd be able to bear it.

Sometimes I get visions of myself in front of the classroom, doing exactly what I should be doing in an ideal world, and then I see myself how I actually am in front of the classroom, and I wonder at the distance between the two visions.

I'm getting anxious.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

02.22.2011

the 02.17.2011 date that I posted earlier wasn't for me, apparently. I arrive in Seoul on the 22nd of February, giving me a few more days.

However, this poses a few problems--or it poses a worry that I hope won't turn into a problem. You see I've already bought tickets for Big Bang's Big Show concert for February 26th. I was worried about the orientation interfering with the concert (shouldn't it be the concert interfering with the orientation??), and when I got my schedule today, I found out that orientation would end on the 25th, leaving me carefree for the concert. At least, that's what I thought. But it turns out that teachers in Seoul have a different schedule, and my orientation is from the 22nd through March 2nd, putting the concert right in the middle of it. Needless to say, I'm worried. I hope there's not some planned trip somewhere outside of Seoul that would leave me unable to attend. I would be so sad.

Also, I've been thinking about it, but I have no winter clothes--since, you know, San Diego doesn't like to acknowledge more than 2 seasons: warm, and warmer. I am trying to figure out what the best solution to this is, considering I need to fit most of my things in 2 suitcases when flying over. Moreover, I shouldn't be spending money on clothing that I can probably buy cheaper once in Korea, not to mention that I shouldn't be spending money on clothing, period, since I so many associated travel/visa costs left, and, oh yeah, my loan payments are going to start up in just a few weeks. But that's a whole different post. Still, I don't want to get to korea and freeze to death/get sick.

This post just goes to show how effed up my priorities are.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Long Farewell

It's starting to hit me, I think.

Not that it was any less real before, but now that I have a date of when I'll be in Korea, when there will be actually be people waiting for me in Korea, makes everything feel heavier somehow.

Which of course just means I'm a complete mess. Anything and everything has the potential to make me burst into tears. And I refuse to think about having to leave my friends/family because then I won't go. I absolutely won't think about all the things I'm going to miss out on, because then I won't go.

And I need to go.

I hate that the next month is going to be one long goodbye. I already did this once last year, and I feel like there needs to be some sort of time frame in which a person goes through that. Like maybe once every five years. Not once every six months. Not good for the heart I tell you.

So I've got a month. Need to make the most of it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

02.17.2011

just got word.

Good thing I love forms

I need to do so many things before I leave and a lot of them I don't even know where to begin. Besides applying for my visa, I need to fill out an submit my tax exemption form for the year, need to notify my banks of my departure (possibly cancel my accounts), figure out how I'm going to pay for my loans, which become due on valentines day, and I want to file my taxes early so I dont have to worry about it later, cancel my memberships/subscriptions, register for an absentee voting ballot(?), among other things.

On top of this, I need to figure out my whole living situation in korea. I still don't know where exactly I'll be living in Seoul, and I still don't know when I'm flying out. This becomes particularly inconvenient for me since I am planning on attending a concert the weekend of Feb 25th. My most favoritest of groups in kpop, Big Bang, is having their annual BIG SHOW that weekend and I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. I mean, it's in SEOUL and supposedly I should be there AND they're releasing their new album on Feb 24th so the concert will feature their new songs! I know I should be excited about teaching and moving and all of that, which I am, but I need to attend this concert.

Anyway, I really want/need to take korean classes/lessons. I really wish I could have taken something before I left. I can already imagine how painful it's going to be once I get to Seoul. But more than that I WANT TO KNOW WHEN I'M LEAVING. I actually hope it's earlier February, which is crazy because its mid JANUARY. This all seems so rushed, and I have so many forms to fill out and send. Good thing I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some forms. Filling them out is so refreshing :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Listed

I am a huge fan of lists. I love making them and I love crossing items off of them. I find them to be incredibly useful. Since getting the news that I'd be in Seoul, I started to compile some lists...in lieu of like, trying to learn the language.

a few things on my to-do list:
-overnight stay at a Buddhist temple
-tea ceremony
-learn how to cook korean food
-hot springs
-cherry blossoms
-"magic"
-korean lessons
-food tour
-hike mountains
-get a small-ish dog?
-Big Bang Big Show

there's a lot to take in and I'm only scratching the surface. I haven't even begun on all the places I'd like to eat, because I feel like everything will be good there (STREET FOOD), or all the places I want to shop, because I feel like everything will be amazing there (STREET MARKETS). I haven't even really thought about where else around Korea I'd want to go (besides Busan and maybe Daegu and Jeju) outside of Seoul--I need to get accustomed and soon.

Anyway, back to cramming my head full of korean vocab that I will probably forget once I get to Seoul.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

First things first

This is a bit premature, since I had promised myself that I wouldn't start a new blog until I had my contract all signed, sealed, and delivered, and I had an actual flight departure date. But that stalking issue over a MIRTH made me want to jump ship. Not that I'm abandoning MIRTH, but this will probably be my main blog for the near future.

Yesterday I got notice that I not only have a job waiting for me in Korea, but that I have a job waiting for me in SEOUL of all places. While I didn't so much have doubts that I would be accepted based on their requirements, I was concerned that something would happen to my paperwork that would prevent me from getting a position. That, and I didn't think I would get Seoul.

If you've kept up at MIRTH, I mentioned that I was starting to go crazy with all the w a i t i n g. The lure of idleness, I'm sorry to say, loses its charm rather quickly. So when I got the email yesterday afternoon at 1pm I was, naturally, ecstatic. I was jumping up and down, shaking and laughing and shaking and just shaking some more.

When I was done with all the shaking, I felt the need to share the news. FB, twitter, and my call log all detail the fits of near hysteria that I suffered in a span of 30 minutes until they passed from me.

I was still all aglow from the news for the rest of the day, right up until the point where I had to tell my father. A note on my dad-- I'm not going to try and pretend that I don't consider my dad to be the person I respect and admire the most in the entire world. Even with all of his ridiculousness. So it goes without saying that I always want to do right by him. And to his credit, he's given me a lot and has let me do a lot of things on my own. He doesn't step in/interfere too much in the decisions I make. But I always run them by him, you know, just in case or something. And I value his opinion, even if I don't always agree (this happens more often these days).

When I broke the news to him (he knew I had already applied and was just waiting for the results), he was less than enthusiastic about it, which I suppose is understandable. He didn't say that he didn't want me to go... but he also didn't say that he did. And in all the questions he kept asking me--how is this going to help you? what about working here at _____? I thought you wanted to go and do this?--I could tell he didn't think it was a good idea for me to go. He won't tell me that I shouldn't go, and he definitely won't forbid me from going, but he's not happy.

I don't know what it is about me going to Korea--the distance? the culture? the immovable expanse between Seoul and San Diego that makes it seem like a world apart-- but when I moved to Philly? My dad didn't bat an eyelash.

And the thing is, I can't reassure him that I'll be okay in Seoul. Because I'm not entirely sure that I will be. Sure I've traveled places by myself. But I've only really ever done that in Europe, where my trusty bachelors degree, along with those romance languages, helped me out. But I know next to nothing about the people and place that I'm about to call home for the next year (or more).

I keep thinking about my first trip to Europe. I was meeting my sister in Paris (she was study in Madrid) but I would get to the city first. I didn't know how to say a WORD in french. I didn't know how to navigate a METRO MAP. I didn't know the difference between the RER and the metro lines. I didn't even know that 'Accueil' was the information booth because I was looking for something that resembled 'information.' After stumbling through Charles de Gaulle, and somehow finding my way on the right train to take me to Gare du Nord, and then being picked out, immediately mind you, for being an AMERICAN, getting lost in the streets of Paris as I circled Gare du Nord over and over again only to find my hotel sitting right in front of my face, then feeling all sorts of scared that I would have to speak with the receptionist when I couldn't speak french, then not knowing how to use the stupid hotel key... and just collapsing on the bed, utterly exhausted from being THAT clueless.

I feel like that is how I'll spend my first few days in Korea. Or who knows, maybe my whole year in Korea.

But I digress.

Back to me being a bad daughter. Now I'm not saying my dad cried when I told him, but he just looked so sad. And I hate that I'm the one doing this. At the same time, I know that if I'm going to go to Korea, I need to do it now. Because my parents aren't getting any younger, and if I hold off they're only going to get that much older and I'd like to be present in case of whatever.

Anyway, after that, I found myself back on this emotional roller coaster known as a long farewell. I do not like this ride. I hate being on the brink of bursting into tears. It's not a good look.

Something interesting happened last night. Ever find yourself (or someone tells you) murmuring/talking in you sleep? Sometimes laughing? Maybe just smiling? Well, not only did I cry in my sleep, but I also had the most disturbing sleep, due to what I can only describe as being nightmares, I've ever had (with the exception of those night tremors I had when I was a kid).

I woke up early, with a, what the hell was that?

Didn't I want this? Aren't I getting exactly what I wanted? I don't understand myself.

I started to think about why is it that I'm going to Korea (I have to prep myself for an interview at the consulate)... why Korea? I mean, yeah sure, I'm turning an obsession into a reality by moving to Seoul, but really. why Korea?

I started to think back to the time when I made this crazy decision to apply. When I was in Philadelphia, having just quit school, and having a mini-meltdown thinking, what do I do now?

Why Korea? Why not.

Somehow, I don't think this sort of answer is going to cut it. And I hate to think that I've been hasty. That all of this was just a response to me freaking out about my life and future now that I'm done with school. I don't want that to be true.

Just to be clear, I have no plans to abandon Korea. I said that if and when I got news that I was accepted that I would go. And I'm holding myself to it.

But shit just got real.

On another note, this brown rice tea is amazing.