Vacation, or Something Like It

My contract states I have 21 days of vacation for the year.

Unlike back home in the states, I don't really have a say in when exactly I can use those days. When I can take vacation days is determined by the academic calendar: if school is in session, I shouldn't take a vacation.

After summer camp was over, I used 5 of my vacation days (+ 2 weekends + 1 national holiday) for a Ten Day Summer Vacation. I'm not complaining about this, considering I've always taken summer school and have always basically had 10 days of summer vacation, but what I am bummed about is the fact that I did nothing and went no where for summer vacation.

That list of places I wanted to go to that I made earlier? Didn't see a single thing.

I know, I know. Trust me, I know.

I was actually really upset by this. I know it's all my fault, that if I really wanted to get out and go, then I should have just went, that there was nothing, really to stop me. But I let excuses pile up on excuses and ended up not even really leaving Seoul.

The weather was horrible, and all the things I wanted to do were outdoorsy--hike a mountain in the rain? go to the beach during a thunderstorm? no thank you. But it wasn't even just that, because I should have forced myself to explore more of Seoul.

But I didn't do anything.

Instead, I felt horrible about my life and myself and cried everyday. Not having anything to do, nowhere to go, no one to go with... it was the first time that I actually, horribly, felt homesick. I felt so terribly alone.

I felt disenabled. Stifled and suffocated by being in Seoul. I wanted to get out, but felt stuck. Maybe I couldn't make up my mind, that it was my own indecision, my own internal conflict that disabled me.

In any case, the tears fell a lot that week. Without work to define me and my life here in Korea, I was faced with the naked truth: I don't have a reason for being. I hated the feeling of not knowing for what I was living and why.

It was such a sobering thought.

I'm not saying that I hate my life here in Korea. Not that at all, but I am saying that it's not all roses here. There are times when you miss home something fierce, and there's nothing more you want to do than to just be with the people you love the most.

The upside of not doing a damn thing during my vacay: I booked my flight to Japan, and all the money I saved can and will be spent on my Japan vacation next month! Tokyo & Kyoto, wait for me!