I recently complete a supposed 15 hour Pre-Orientation course in preparation for Korea. The biggest chunk of it is psychology, methodology, and pedagogy, but there's a few lessons on Korean culture as well.
I have to say, all of it is like a throwback to my psych and rws courses in undergrad. I've realized that I am no longer in a place in my life where I am responsive to the traditional college classroom, where you show up, listen to lecture in a survey class while taking notes, in order to prepare for some exam in the near-distance future. I still take notes like a fiend, but the random busywork of homework and the like bores me to no end. I think I respond better to the ridiculous reading lists and paper writing of grad classes. I don't think I have the patience to deal with the former any longer.
anyway, as I'm worked through the pre-orientation course, the reality of my whole situation started to feel just that much more: in about a month I'll be standing in front of a classroom in a completely different country with kids (?) whose first language is different than mine.
I want the whole experience to be good on both of our parts.
I know that's asking a lot, since not everything in the classroom is always or ever, perfect for either party, but I just hope we can come to an understanding. I'm dreading re-living the experience I had the first time I stood in front of a classroom as an instructor. I'm praying to God that it doesn't happen again. I don't know how I'd be able to bear it.
Sometimes I get visions of myself in front of the classroom, doing exactly what I should be doing in an ideal world, and then I see myself how I actually am in front of the classroom, and I wonder at the distance between the two visions.
I'm getting anxious.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
this blog
I've been wondering lately about what I'm really going to do with this blog. Will it be a personal blog? A blog focused on me getting about in South Korea? Will it be kpop focused? A mixture of all of the things combined? If I use this blog on Korea/kpop, should I blog personal things over at Mirth? And, is that all far too complicated?
I started this blog for a couple of reasons: 1) to get away from a creepy creeperson and 2) to catalogue my new start in Korea. But my life is not always and completely defined by these things, and so I wonder where I should talk about them. I realize, truly, that it is quite vain of me to think that anything I say is of some importance, and therefore necessitates being blogged. But it is my vice, or perhaps just my habit, since I've been with blogger since, gasp, 2001. Does that age me or what. At least I never had a xanga.
Anyway, I'd be open to suggestions.
Finally, I'll leave with something neither Korea or kpop related. And yet it is something, or rather, someone, rather dear to me: Mr. Darcy. Or, in this case, Colin Firth--I sometimes (always) have a hard time distinguishing between the two.
It's the trailer of his movie, "The King's Speech" which has been nominated for 12 oscars. But beyond all of that, Mr. Darcy/Colin Firth is brilliant (when is he not?) and the movie itself is wonderfully heartfelt. Casting was excellent, although it seemed like every known British actor was cast in this movie, save Hugh Grant.
There was a sentimental pull at my heart when Jennifere Ehle, also known as Elizabeth Bennet in the 1995 BBC mini-series of Pride and Prejudice, the very series that made Colin Firth the quintessential Mr. Darcy, has a scene with Colin Firth-- our dear Lizzy Bennet spies Mr. Darcy emerging from the pond at Pemberley once more :)
[and going along with the BBC production of P&P and my mention of all British actors cast in this movie, the man who played Mr. Collins also appeared in "The King's Speech," which amazed me because I had thought the man had given up acting completely so he could take up residence with his wife Charlotte as a pastor whose parsonage abuts Lady Catherine Debourgh's Roslings Park.]
In "The King's Speeh," Darcy/Firth plays George VI as he struggles to overcome his stammer at a time when radio broadcasts were all the rage, and people needed to hear the voice of their king.
I started this blog for a couple of reasons: 1) to get away from a creepy creeperson and 2) to catalogue my new start in Korea. But my life is not always and completely defined by these things, and so I wonder where I should talk about them. I realize, truly, that it is quite vain of me to think that anything I say is of some importance, and therefore necessitates being blogged. But it is my vice, or perhaps just my habit, since I've been with blogger since, gasp, 2001. Does that age me or what. At least I never had a xanga.
Anyway, I'd be open to suggestions.
Finally, I'll leave with something neither Korea or kpop related. And yet it is something, or rather, someone, rather dear to me: Mr. Darcy. Or, in this case, Colin Firth--I sometimes (always) have a hard time distinguishing between the two.
It's the trailer of his movie, "The King's Speech" which has been nominated for 12 oscars. But beyond all of that, Mr. Darcy/Colin Firth is brilliant (when is he not?) and the movie itself is wonderfully heartfelt. Casting was excellent, although it seemed like every known British actor was cast in this movie, save Hugh Grant.
There was a sentimental pull at my heart when Jennifere Ehle, also known as Elizabeth Bennet in the 1995 BBC mini-series of Pride and Prejudice, the very series that made Colin Firth the quintessential Mr. Darcy, has a scene with Colin Firth-- our dear Lizzy Bennet spies Mr. Darcy emerging from the pond at Pemberley once more :)
[and going along with the BBC production of P&P and my mention of all British actors cast in this movie, the man who played Mr. Collins also appeared in "The King's Speech," which amazed me because I had thought the man had given up acting completely so he could take up residence with his wife Charlotte as a pastor whose parsonage abuts Lady Catherine Debourgh's Roslings Park.]
In "The King's Speeh," Darcy/Firth plays George VI as he struggles to overcome his stammer at a time when radio broadcasts were all the rage, and people needed to hear the voice of their king.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Cyrano Dating Agency
Watched this a few nights ago, and I enjoyed it. It's based on the premise of Cyrano de Bergerac--where Cristian enlists the help of Cyrano to woo Roxanne--but modernized with all this fancy technology. Basically a guy enlists a dating agency to help him win the girl. Things get complicated when it get revealed that the girl the agency is trying to get is the former flame of the agency's bossman. Cue Love Triangle.
The cast was great. It features the ever effortless Lee Min Jung (love her!), Daniel Choi (is he from America? Why is his name like this?), and the meddling ahjussi to end all meddling ahjussi's Uhm Tae-woong. It was equal parts humor (due to the rag tag band of sidekicks) and drama. It started off really strong, stumbled a bit in the middle, but regained it's footing to give me a satisfying end.
There were really nice scenes in the movie, and I'll include my favorite here. The music alone is gorgeous, combined with the magic and the french cafe....lovely! Begins at 5:00--the song is Agnes Baltsa' aspri mera ke ya mas.
The cast was great. It features the ever effortless Lee Min Jung (love her!), Daniel Choi (is he from America? Why is his name like this?), and the meddling ahjussi to end all meddling ahjussi's Uhm Tae-woong. It was equal parts humor (due to the rag tag band of sidekicks) and drama. It started off really strong, stumbled a bit in the middle, but regained it's footing to give me a satisfying end.
There were really nice scenes in the movie, and I'll include my favorite here. The music alone is gorgeous, combined with the magic and the french cafe....lovely! Begins at 5:00--the song is Agnes Baltsa' aspri mera ke ya mas.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
02.22.2011
the 02.17.2011 date that I posted earlier wasn't for me, apparently. I arrive in Seoul on the 22nd of February, giving me a few more days.
However, this poses a few problems--or it poses a worry that I hope won't turn into a problem. You see I've already bought tickets for Big Bang's Big Show concert for February 26th. I was worried about the orientation interfering with the concert (shouldn't it be the concert interfering with the orientation??), and when I got my schedule today, I found out that orientation would end on the 25th, leaving me carefree for the concert. At least, that's what I thought. But it turns out that teachers in Seoul have a different schedule, and my orientation is from the 22nd through March 2nd, putting the concert right in the middle of it. Needless to say, I'm worried. I hope there's not some planned trip somewhere outside of Seoul that would leave me unable to attend. I would be so sad.
Also, I've been thinking about it, but I have no winter clothes--since, you know, San Diego doesn't like to acknowledge more than 2 seasons: warm, and warmer. I am trying to figure out what the best solution to this is, considering I need to fit most of my things in 2 suitcases when flying over. Moreover, I shouldn't be spending money on clothing that I can probably buy cheaper once in Korea, not to mention that I shouldn't be spending money on clothing, period, since I so many associated travel/visa costs left, and, oh yeah, my loan payments are going to start up in just a few weeks. But that's a whole different post. Still, I don't want to get to korea and freeze to death/get sick.
This post just goes to show how effed up my priorities are.
However, this poses a few problems--or it poses a worry that I hope won't turn into a problem. You see I've already bought tickets for Big Bang's Big Show concert for February 26th. I was worried about the orientation interfering with the concert (shouldn't it be the concert interfering with the orientation??), and when I got my schedule today, I found out that orientation would end on the 25th, leaving me carefree for the concert. At least, that's what I thought. But it turns out that teachers in Seoul have a different schedule, and my orientation is from the 22nd through March 2nd, putting the concert right in the middle of it. Needless to say, I'm worried. I hope there's not some planned trip somewhere outside of Seoul that would leave me unable to attend. I would be so sad.
Also, I've been thinking about it, but I have no winter clothes--since, you know, San Diego doesn't like to acknowledge more than 2 seasons: warm, and warmer. I am trying to figure out what the best solution to this is, considering I need to fit most of my things in 2 suitcases when flying over. Moreover, I shouldn't be spending money on clothing that I can probably buy cheaper once in Korea, not to mention that I shouldn't be spending money on clothing, period, since I so many associated travel/visa costs left, and, oh yeah, my loan payments are going to start up in just a few weeks. But that's a whole different post. Still, I don't want to get to korea and freeze to death/get sick.
This post just goes to show how effed up my priorities are.
Friday, January 21, 2011
VVIP
My first true kpop post on this blog is dedicated to Seungri. He's the youngest member of my favoritest of favorite groups, Big Bang, and he just released his first solo mini-album: VVIP.
I don't know how to describe Seungri. For a long time he was my least favorite member of Big Bang, simply because I couldn't understand him. He's a decent singer and dancer, but he's famous for his confidence. Or should I say his overconfidence in himself that borders on smugness/selfishness. Some of the things he says about himself, I can't believe someone would say with their own mouth, let alone be completely serious about it. However, I want to stress that he's not a malicious guy, and his boasting never comes at the expense of someone else. He just likes himself a lot haha. I also take into consideration that he left his parents at 16 (c. 2006) to move to Seoul and debut in Big Bang.
Anyway, while Big Bang has been praised a lot for their music, it is usually due to the work of the hyungs (older brother members: G-Dragon, TOP, and Taeyang). Seungri has previously had a solo single in 2008, Strong Baby, and has had a solo song on Big Bang's album, but on the whole, there has been verrry little out there that lays out his musical interests/perspective.
Well, Strong Baby came back in a big way. His mini-album (7 songs), VVIP, has his handiwork all over it--which I know, should be the way things work, but again, in kpop "idols" rarely write/compose/produce their own music. Seungri really stepped up and took charge of his music with VVIP and I for one, was pleasantly surprised and truly impressed.
The Album
VVIP by 180888@tumblr
The Music Videos
1. So What
2: VVIP
The Comeback
Seungri made his first performances yesterday on MCD. He performed VVIP & So What, with a bit of Open Window.
I'm not a huge fan of VVIP (the song) but the live performance is fun and.... interesting lol. He's 20 years old, but he's been at this for almost 5 years now, and you can tell. There are other 20 year old's that are just debuting in a group and they are no where near as polished as he is as a performer. The boy is seasoned.
I'm such a fan of this mini-album. I think it was really well put together. And the quality of production was some of the best I've heard from YG in a bit. And Seungri' sounds so great! He gets a lot of hate for his vocals because he's in a group with Taeyang (honey-voiced) and Daesung (powerful pipes). He's constantly being compared to them and is labeled the "useless" member in the group. But I think he's improved a lot and grown up a lot with this mini-album. So kudos to him!
Last thing I want to say is... Seungri is Big Bang's maknae, youngest. If this is the work that the youngest is producing, imagine the hyungs...and then imagine the 5 of them together. Can't wait for their comeback!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Long Farewell
It's starting to hit me, I think.
Not that it was any less real before, but now that I have a date of when I'll be in Korea, when there will be actually be people waiting for me in Korea, makes everything feel heavier somehow.
Which of course just means I'm a complete mess. Anything and everything has the potential to make me burst into tears. And I refuse to think about having to leave my friends/family because then I won't go. I absolutely won't think about all the things I'm going to miss out on, because then I won't go.
And I need to go.
I hate that the next month is going to be one long goodbye. I already did this once last year, and I feel like there needs to be some sort of time frame in which a person goes through that. Like maybe once every five years. Not once every six months. Not good for the heart I tell you.
So I've got a month. Need to make the most of it.
Not that it was any less real before, but now that I have a date of when I'll be in Korea, when there will be actually be people waiting for me in Korea, makes everything feel heavier somehow.
Which of course just means I'm a complete mess. Anything and everything has the potential to make me burst into tears. And I refuse to think about having to leave my friends/family because then I won't go. I absolutely won't think about all the things I'm going to miss out on, because then I won't go.
And I need to go.
I hate that the next month is going to be one long goodbye. I already did this once last year, and I feel like there needs to be some sort of time frame in which a person goes through that. Like maybe once every five years. Not once every six months. Not good for the heart I tell you.
So I've got a month. Need to make the most of it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Good thing I love forms
I need to do so many things before I leave and a lot of them I don't even know where to begin. Besides applying for my visa, I need to fill out an submit my tax exemption form for the year, need to notify my banks of my departure (possibly cancel my accounts), figure out how I'm going to pay for my loans, which become due on valentines day, and I want to file my taxes early so I dont have to worry about it later, cancel my memberships/subscriptions, register for an absentee voting ballot(?), among other things.
On top of this, I need to figure out my whole living situation in korea. I still don't know where exactly I'll be living in Seoul, and I still don't know when I'm flying out. This becomes particularly inconvenient for me since I am planning on attending a concert the weekend of Feb 25th. My most favoritest of groups in kpop, Big Bang, is having their annual BIG SHOW that weekend and I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. I mean, it's in SEOUL and supposedly I should be there AND they're releasing their new album on Feb 24th so the concert will feature their new songs! I know I should be excited about teaching and moving and all of that, which I am, but I need to attend this concert.
Anyway, I really want/need to take korean classes/lessons. I really wish I could have taken something before I left. I can already imagine how painful it's going to be once I get to Seoul. But more than that I WANT TO KNOW WHEN I'M LEAVING. I actually hope it's earlier February, which is crazy because its mid JANUARY. This all seems so rushed, and I have so many forms to fill out and send. Good thing I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some forms. Filling them out is so refreshing :)
On top of this, I need to figure out my whole living situation in korea. I still don't know where exactly I'll be living in Seoul, and I still don't know when I'm flying out. This becomes particularly inconvenient for me since I am planning on attending a concert the weekend of Feb 25th. My most favoritest of groups in kpop, Big Bang, is having their annual BIG SHOW that weekend and I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. I mean, it's in SEOUL and supposedly I should be there AND they're releasing their new album on Feb 24th so the concert will feature their new songs! I know I should be excited about teaching and moving and all of that, which I am, but I need to attend this concert.
Anyway, I really want/need to take korean classes/lessons. I really wish I could have taken something before I left. I can already imagine how painful it's going to be once I get to Seoul. But more than that I WANT TO KNOW WHEN I'M LEAVING. I actually hope it's earlier February, which is crazy because its mid JANUARY. This all seems so rushed, and I have so many forms to fill out and send. Good thing I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some forms. Filling them out is so refreshing :)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Listed
I am a huge fan of lists. I love making them and I love crossing items off of them. I find them to be incredibly useful. Since getting the news that I'd be in Seoul, I started to compile some lists...in lieu of like, trying to learn the language.
a few things on my to-do list:
-overnight stay at a Buddhist temple
-tea ceremony
-learn how to cook korean food
-hot springs
-cherry blossoms
-"magic"
-korean lessons
-food tour
-hike mountains
-get a small-ish dog?
-Big Bang Big Show
there's a lot to take in and I'm only scratching the surface. I haven't even begun on all the places I'd like to eat, because I feel like everything will be good there (STREET FOOD), or all the places I want to shop, because I feel like everything will be amazing there (STREET MARKETS). I haven't even really thought about where else around Korea I'd want to go (besides Busan and maybe Daegu and Jeju) outside of Seoul--I need to get accustomed and soon.
Anyway, back to cramming my head full of korean vocab that I will probably forget once I get to Seoul.
a few things on my to-do list:
-overnight stay at a Buddhist temple
-tea ceremony
-learn how to cook korean food
-hot springs
-cherry blossoms
-"magic"
-korean lessons
-food tour
-hike mountains
-get a small-ish dog?
-Big Bang Big Show
there's a lot to take in and I'm only scratching the surface. I haven't even begun on all the places I'd like to eat, because I feel like everything will be good there (STREET FOOD), or all the places I want to shop, because I feel like everything will be amazing there (STREET MARKETS). I haven't even really thought about where else around Korea I'd want to go (besides Busan and maybe Daegu and Jeju) outside of Seoul--I need to get accustomed and soon.
Anyway, back to cramming my head full of korean vocab that I will probably forget once I get to Seoul.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
First things first
This is a bit premature, since I had promised myself that I wouldn't start a new blog until I had my contract all signed, sealed, and delivered, and I had an actual flight departure date. But that stalking issue over a MIRTH made me want to jump ship. Not that I'm abandoning MIRTH, but this will probably be my main blog for the near future.
Yesterday I got notice that I not only have a job waiting for me in Korea, but that I have a job waiting for me in SEOUL of all places. While I didn't so much have doubts that I would be accepted based on their requirements, I was concerned that something would happen to my paperwork that would prevent me from getting a position. That, and I didn't think I would get Seoul.
If you've kept up at MIRTH, I mentioned that I was starting to go crazy with all the w a i t i n g. The lure of idleness, I'm sorry to say, loses its charm rather quickly. So when I got the email yesterday afternoon at 1pm I was, naturally, ecstatic. I was jumping up and down, shaking and laughing and shaking and just shaking some more.
When I was done with all the shaking, I felt the need to share the news. FB, twitter, and my call log all detail the fits of near hysteria that I suffered in a span of 30 minutes until they passed from me.
I was still all aglow from the news for the rest of the day, right up until the point where I had to tell my father. A note on my dad-- I'm not going to try and pretend that I don't consider my dad to be the person I respect and admire the most in the entire world. Even with all of his ridiculousness. So it goes without saying that I always want to do right by him. And to his credit, he's given me a lot and has let me do a lot of things on my own. He doesn't step in/interfere too much in the decisions I make. But I always run them by him, you know, just in case or something. And I value his opinion, even if I don't always agree (this happens more often these days).
When I broke the news to him (he knew I had already applied and was just waiting for the results), he was less than enthusiastic about it, which I suppose is understandable. He didn't say that he didn't want me to go... but he also didn't say that he did. And in all the questions he kept asking me--how is this going to help you? what about working here at _____? I thought you wanted to go and do this?--I could tell he didn't think it was a good idea for me to go. He won't tell me that I shouldn't go, and he definitely won't forbid me from going, but he's not happy.
I don't know what it is about me going to Korea--the distance? the culture? the immovable expanse between Seoul and San Diego that makes it seem like a world apart-- but when I moved to Philly? My dad didn't bat an eyelash.
And the thing is, I can't reassure him that I'll be okay in Seoul. Because I'm not entirely sure that I will be. Sure I've traveled places by myself. But I've only really ever done that in Europe, where my trusty bachelors degree, along with those romance languages, helped me out. But I know next to nothing about the people and place that I'm about to call home for the next year (or more).
I keep thinking about my first trip to Europe. I was meeting my sister in Paris (she was study in Madrid) but I would get to the city first. I didn't know how to say a WORD in french. I didn't know how to navigate a METRO MAP. I didn't know the difference between the RER and the metro lines. I didn't even know that 'Accueil' was the information booth because I was looking for something that resembled 'information.' After stumbling through Charles de Gaulle, and somehow finding my way on the right train to take me to Gare du Nord, and then being picked out, immediately mind you, for being an AMERICAN, getting lost in the streets of Paris as I circled Gare du Nord over and over again only to find my hotel sitting right in front of my face, then feeling all sorts of scared that I would have to speak with the receptionist when I couldn't speak french, then not knowing how to use the stupid hotel key... and just collapsing on the bed, utterly exhausted from being THAT clueless.
I feel like that is how I'll spend my first few days in Korea. Or who knows, maybe my whole year in Korea.
But I digress.
Back to me being a bad daughter. Now I'm not saying my dad cried when I told him, but he just looked so sad. And I hate that I'm the one doing this. At the same time, I know that if I'm going to go to Korea, I need to do it now. Because my parents aren't getting any younger, and if I hold off they're only going to get that much older and I'd like to be present in case of whatever.
Anyway, after that, I found myself back on this emotional roller coaster known as a long farewell. I do not like this ride. I hate being on the brink of bursting into tears. It's not a good look.
Something interesting happened last night. Ever find yourself (or someone tells you) murmuring/talking in you sleep? Sometimes laughing? Maybe just smiling? Well, not only did I cry in my sleep, but I also had the most disturbing sleep, due to what I can only describe as being nightmares, I've ever had (with the exception of those night tremors I had when I was a kid).
I woke up early, with a, what the hell was that?
Didn't I want this? Aren't I getting exactly what I wanted? I don't understand myself.
I started to think about why is it that I'm going to Korea (I have to prep myself for an interview at the consulate)... why Korea? I mean, yeah sure, I'm turning an obsession into a reality by moving to Seoul, but really. why Korea?
I started to think back to the time when I made this crazy decision to apply. When I was in Philadelphia, having just quit school, and having a mini-meltdown thinking, what do I do now?
Why Korea? Why not.
Somehow, I don't think this sort of answer is going to cut it. And I hate to think that I've been hasty. That all of this was just a response to me freaking out about my life and future now that I'm done with school. I don't want that to be true.
Just to be clear, I have no plans to abandon Korea. I said that if and when I got news that I was accepted that I would go. And I'm holding myself to it.
But shit just got real.
On another note, this brown rice tea is amazing.
Yesterday I got notice that I not only have a job waiting for me in Korea, but that I have a job waiting for me in SEOUL of all places. While I didn't so much have doubts that I would be accepted based on their requirements, I was concerned that something would happen to my paperwork that would prevent me from getting a position. That, and I didn't think I would get Seoul.
If you've kept up at MIRTH, I mentioned that I was starting to go crazy with all the w a i t i n g. The lure of idleness, I'm sorry to say, loses its charm rather quickly. So when I got the email yesterday afternoon at 1pm I was, naturally, ecstatic. I was jumping up and down, shaking and laughing and shaking and just shaking some more.
When I was done with all the shaking, I felt the need to share the news. FB, twitter, and my call log all detail the fits of near hysteria that I suffered in a span of 30 minutes until they passed from me.
I was still all aglow from the news for the rest of the day, right up until the point where I had to tell my father. A note on my dad-- I'm not going to try and pretend that I don't consider my dad to be the person I respect and admire the most in the entire world. Even with all of his ridiculousness. So it goes without saying that I always want to do right by him. And to his credit, he's given me a lot and has let me do a lot of things on my own. He doesn't step in/interfere too much in the decisions I make. But I always run them by him, you know, just in case or something. And I value his opinion, even if I don't always agree (this happens more often these days).
When I broke the news to him (he knew I had already applied and was just waiting for the results), he was less than enthusiastic about it, which I suppose is understandable. He didn't say that he didn't want me to go... but he also didn't say that he did. And in all the questions he kept asking me--how is this going to help you? what about working here at _____? I thought you wanted to go and do this?--I could tell he didn't think it was a good idea for me to go. He won't tell me that I shouldn't go, and he definitely won't forbid me from going, but he's not happy.
I don't know what it is about me going to Korea--the distance? the culture? the immovable expanse between Seoul and San Diego that makes it seem like a world apart-- but when I moved to Philly? My dad didn't bat an eyelash.
And the thing is, I can't reassure him that I'll be okay in Seoul. Because I'm not entirely sure that I will be. Sure I've traveled places by myself. But I've only really ever done that in Europe, where my trusty bachelors degree, along with those romance languages, helped me out. But I know next to nothing about the people and place that I'm about to call home for the next year (or more).
I keep thinking about my first trip to Europe. I was meeting my sister in Paris (she was study in Madrid) but I would get to the city first. I didn't know how to say a WORD in french. I didn't know how to navigate a METRO MAP. I didn't know the difference between the RER and the metro lines. I didn't even know that 'Accueil' was the information booth because I was looking for something that resembled 'information.' After stumbling through Charles de Gaulle, and somehow finding my way on the right train to take me to Gare du Nord, and then being picked out, immediately mind you, for being an AMERICAN, getting lost in the streets of Paris as I circled Gare du Nord over and over again only to find my hotel sitting right in front of my face, then feeling all sorts of scared that I would have to speak with the receptionist when I couldn't speak french, then not knowing how to use the stupid hotel key... and just collapsing on the bed, utterly exhausted from being THAT clueless.
I feel like that is how I'll spend my first few days in Korea. Or who knows, maybe my whole year in Korea.
But I digress.
Back to me being a bad daughter. Now I'm not saying my dad cried when I told him, but he just looked so sad. And I hate that I'm the one doing this. At the same time, I know that if I'm going to go to Korea, I need to do it now. Because my parents aren't getting any younger, and if I hold off they're only going to get that much older and I'd like to be present in case of whatever.
Anyway, after that, I found myself back on this emotional roller coaster known as a long farewell. I do not like this ride. I hate being on the brink of bursting into tears. It's not a good look.
Something interesting happened last night. Ever find yourself (or someone tells you) murmuring/talking in you sleep? Sometimes laughing? Maybe just smiling? Well, not only did I cry in my sleep, but I also had the most disturbing sleep, due to what I can only describe as being nightmares, I've ever had (with the exception of those night tremors I had when I was a kid).
I woke up early, with a, what the hell was that?
Didn't I want this? Aren't I getting exactly what I wanted? I don't understand myself.
I started to think about why is it that I'm going to Korea (I have to prep myself for an interview at the consulate)... why Korea? I mean, yeah sure, I'm turning an obsession into a reality by moving to Seoul, but really. why Korea?
I started to think back to the time when I made this crazy decision to apply. When I was in Philadelphia, having just quit school, and having a mini-meltdown thinking, what do I do now?
Why Korea? Why not.
Somehow, I don't think this sort of answer is going to cut it. And I hate to think that I've been hasty. That all of this was just a response to me freaking out about my life and future now that I'm done with school. I don't want that to be true.
Just to be clear, I have no plans to abandon Korea. I said that if and when I got news that I was accepted that I would go. And I'm holding myself to it.
But shit just got real.
On another note, this brown rice tea is amazing.
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