Since my last real post, major events have shaken me and I just needed some time to sort through my life, my thoughts, my anxieties. And to think about my options and whatever future I may have here in Korea.
What started out as a rumor, as an uncomfortable piece of gossip spread around by the mouths of native english teachers (hereafter NETs), turned out to be true: the gov't is pulling all high school NETs at the end of their contract term.
I am a high school NET. My contract ends in february. I will not be allowed to teach at my school next year. Neither will I be replaced by another NET.
It was, and remains, such a blow. Like I was sucker punched in the gut.
And that is funny because all this year I had merely toyed with the idea of staying another year in Korea--stupidly thinking that if I didn't really commit to anything, then I wouldn't be disappointed.
How naive.
I've been weighing my options and trying to stay positive, but there's just so much up in the air right now and I honestly don't know where I'll end up in just a few months time. It's worrisome and stressful.
If I decide to renew my contract with the gov't, I will be transferred to either middle school or elementary school (no). Another option is to ditch the public school system and the gov't program, and find work in the private sector through an academy (no). My best option, and the one I hope comes true, is that I find a position at a university.
The question becomes, then, if I don't get a job at a university, will I stay in Korea or go back home? And if I return home, what job awaits me there? I, after all, need to keep working to pay my school loans off. This is not the time for me to dally.
As stressful as that alone is, some of the teachers have actually gone as far as to tell students that I'm leaving. I'm really upset by this because I feel like that information should have come from me personally. I would have liked the opportunity to tell my students that information at the time I saw fit, in the manner I saw fit. As it stands, I've tried to make the students who know promise not to tell anymore students--pinky swears are all but binding here in Korea.
But more that just that, when an occasional student does come up to me to bring up my impending departure, it's just really hard for me to talk about. I don't want to go. I really like my school, and my kids are amazing, and it's just so unfair that I'm being forced to give them up. I know that I was really blessed with my situation this year, and I know that I took it for granted.
And, since I am a sentimental person at heart, the littlest things will make me emotional. My students will do something so mundane, so potentially annoying, but in that moment it will strike me as something fleetingly beautiful. A moment, a memory of something that I will have so few opportunities to see again.
Sitting here in my apartment, looking at all of the stuff--the sheer amount of stuff--that I've accumulated in the last few months, and the home that I've made for myself in my little apartment...and I know that sooner rather than later, I'll have to pack it all up. For good or temporarily, I don't know yet. I don't want to buy anymore clothing or things for my apartment, because all I can think about is the potential hassle it will be to deal with in the near future.
I mean, I even have a giant bag of rice I have to somehow manage to eat by myself in something like 12 weeks...when I thought I'd have more than that.
And even riding the subway, I live off of line 5 (the purple line) and I know my route/stops so well. If I move somewhere else, I'll have to find all new routes and get accustomed to a whole new commute.
It's the little things, and big things, and everything else, that just makes this whole situation suck. Majorly.
So for now, I'm applying to jobs here, and I need to get the ball moving on jobs back at home--just in case--and hoping for the best.
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