Stay classy, San Diego

1:34am.

I'm currently drinking tea out of my favorite mug, which I can't bring with me, in my own bed, in the area I grew up in, in the city I call home.

My room looks so clean. But I imagine that its because it's rather empty. I have packed away my life in 2 suitcases and a carry on. For some reason, it took me longer than I anticipated to get everything packed away, considering how much practice I've had over the last few months.

Oh, but how amazing are space bags? honestly, I dont know how I survived without them.

I'll admit this here and now: I am scared shitless.

All in all, I'm trying hard not to freak out. Yesterday was my big "going away" thing which sort of went by in a blur, and sometimes comes back to me in embarrassing facepalm moments. But the thing that I remember the most, when I was with the people who are so dear to me, was: how did I get so lucky? I was humbled and felt undeserving, and yet so so very grateful.

As always, I went to the beach today to say goodbye. I like to go because it gives me a memory--its the way I like to remember san diego. sand, sun, sea. And that feeling you get, when you stand on its shore and come face to face with something to amazingly awesome and mighty. You feel so small, and that can be a comfort in itself. That whatever plagues you, whatever weighs you down and constricts your chest, is not so great a thing when something like an ocean is before you. It's a reminder that nothing is as bad as it seems...and it too will pass.

Plus, the view of the sun setting over the pacific is not one I'll likely see sometime soon.

and being at the beach in the middle of winter, while it looks like this feels so distinctively southern californian/san diegan. especially now that I have to trade this in for snow/cold/9th circle of hell.





I know that all this anxiety I'm feeling is normal and that I just need to GET on the plane already so that it can go away. I hate long, drawn out things...which is exactly that this is. I'd prefer to have everything done in one fell swoop--I rip bandaids off instead of peeling them off. But for now, I have to deal with this sickening feeling in my chest for another few hours until I pass the security gate at the airport.

Until we meet again, stay classy san diego.