First things first

This is a bit premature, since I had promised myself that I wouldn't start a new blog until I had my contract all signed, sealed, and delivered, and I had an actual flight departure date. But that stalking issue over a MIRTH made me want to jump ship. Not that I'm abandoning MIRTH, but this will probably be my main blog for the near future.

Yesterday I got notice that I not only have a job waiting for me in Korea, but that I have a job waiting for me in SEOUL of all places. While I didn't so much have doubts that I would be accepted based on their requirements, I was concerned that something would happen to my paperwork that would prevent me from getting a position. That, and I didn't think I would get Seoul.

If you've kept up at MIRTH, I mentioned that I was starting to go crazy with all the w a i t i n g. The lure of idleness, I'm sorry to say, loses its charm rather quickly. So when I got the email yesterday afternoon at 1pm I was, naturally, ecstatic. I was jumping up and down, shaking and laughing and shaking and just shaking some more.

When I was done with all the shaking, I felt the need to share the news. FB, twitter, and my call log all detail the fits of near hysteria that I suffered in a span of 30 minutes until they passed from me.

I was still all aglow from the news for the rest of the day, right up until the point where I had to tell my father. A note on my dad-- I'm not going to try and pretend that I don't consider my dad to be the person I respect and admire the most in the entire world. Even with all of his ridiculousness. So it goes without saying that I always want to do right by him. And to his credit, he's given me a lot and has let me do a lot of things on my own. He doesn't step in/interfere too much in the decisions I make. But I always run them by him, you know, just in case or something. And I value his opinion, even if I don't always agree (this happens more often these days).

When I broke the news to him (he knew I had already applied and was just waiting for the results), he was less than enthusiastic about it, which I suppose is understandable. He didn't say that he didn't want me to go... but he also didn't say that he did. And in all the questions he kept asking me--how is this going to help you? what about working here at _____? I thought you wanted to go and do this?--I could tell he didn't think it was a good idea for me to go. He won't tell me that I shouldn't go, and he definitely won't forbid me from going, but he's not happy.

I don't know what it is about me going to Korea--the distance? the culture? the immovable expanse between Seoul and San Diego that makes it seem like a world apart-- but when I moved to Philly? My dad didn't bat an eyelash.

And the thing is, I can't reassure him that I'll be okay in Seoul. Because I'm not entirely sure that I will be. Sure I've traveled places by myself. But I've only really ever done that in Europe, where my trusty bachelors degree, along with those romance languages, helped me out. But I know next to nothing about the people and place that I'm about to call home for the next year (or more).

I keep thinking about my first trip to Europe. I was meeting my sister in Paris (she was study in Madrid) but I would get to the city first. I didn't know how to say a WORD in french. I didn't know how to navigate a METRO MAP. I didn't know the difference between the RER and the metro lines. I didn't even know that 'Accueil' was the information booth because I was looking for something that resembled 'information.' After stumbling through Charles de Gaulle, and somehow finding my way on the right train to take me to Gare du Nord, and then being picked out, immediately mind you, for being an AMERICAN, getting lost in the streets of Paris as I circled Gare du Nord over and over again only to find my hotel sitting right in front of my face, then feeling all sorts of scared that I would have to speak with the receptionist when I couldn't speak french, then not knowing how to use the stupid hotel key... and just collapsing on the bed, utterly exhausted from being THAT clueless.

I feel like that is how I'll spend my first few days in Korea. Or who knows, maybe my whole year in Korea.

But I digress.

Back to me being a bad daughter. Now I'm not saying my dad cried when I told him, but he just looked so sad. And I hate that I'm the one doing this. At the same time, I know that if I'm going to go to Korea, I need to do it now. Because my parents aren't getting any younger, and if I hold off they're only going to get that much older and I'd like to be present in case of whatever.

Anyway, after that, I found myself back on this emotional roller coaster known as a long farewell. I do not like this ride. I hate being on the brink of bursting into tears. It's not a good look.

Something interesting happened last night. Ever find yourself (or someone tells you) murmuring/talking in you sleep? Sometimes laughing? Maybe just smiling? Well, not only did I cry in my sleep, but I also had the most disturbing sleep, due to what I can only describe as being nightmares, I've ever had (with the exception of those night tremors I had when I was a kid).

I woke up early, with a, what the hell was that?

Didn't I want this? Aren't I getting exactly what I wanted? I don't understand myself.

I started to think about why is it that I'm going to Korea (I have to prep myself for an interview at the consulate)... why Korea? I mean, yeah sure, I'm turning an obsession into a reality by moving to Seoul, but really. why Korea?

I started to think back to the time when I made this crazy decision to apply. When I was in Philadelphia, having just quit school, and having a mini-meltdown thinking, what do I do now?

Why Korea? Why not.

Somehow, I don't think this sort of answer is going to cut it. And I hate to think that I've been hasty. That all of this was just a response to me freaking out about my life and future now that I'm done with school. I don't want that to be true.

Just to be clear, I have no plans to abandon Korea. I said that if and when I got news that I was accepted that I would go. And I'm holding myself to it.

But shit just got real.

On another note, this brown rice tea is amazing.